Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Apartment Hunting is God's Way of Punishing You

You may have deduced from the title that finding an apartment has not gone well.

As August fast approaches, I'm growing more and more worried because I'm now officially working in the East Bay, and in a month I will be going to school there, too.  I DO NOT want to be hopping from couch to couch when school starts, but I don't want to be so poor I can't afford food, either. And with all these numbers bumbling around in my head (rent, deposit, utilities, tuition, book costs...) I think if I talk about money or payments tonight I might burst into tears. I haven't even spent the money yet, and I already feel its loss, and with that goes the security of knowing that I'll have back up cash just in case I have an emergency.  I feel like I'm being robbed.  I mean, I have all this money saved, and yet I realistically can't even afford to buy a decent pair of shoes.  I feel guilty when I buy lunch for myself when I'm at work. When I'm not working, I try not to leave the house at all, so I won't spend any money.  I feel like a hermit, and I don't like it at all!

I feel like everything is just a dollar sign away from falling apart.  When it comes to money, I'm a mess.  It never feels like I have enough, there's always something that goes wrong, and I end up having to help someone get out of debt, or pay a hefty credit card bill, or something involving me spending hundreds of dollars on something that has little to do with me and more to do with others not being able to adequately budget.  I really like being financially independent, and I feel a great sense of shame when it comes to asking for money-- it's not anybody else's job to help me pay for college or my apartment except mine (and maybe my mom, because she gave birth to me and therefore feels responsible for me, which is nice because being an adult is harder than I anticipated, and her financial and emotional support is greatly needed).  And yet at the same time, the dollar signs are piling up, and I'm finding myself both overwhelmed and unable to keep up.  Who do I have to turn to when cash is low?

I don't know.

In other news, I made some DELICIOUS chocolate chip nutella cookies with hazelnuts.  Kourtney's mom got the recipe off of the food network, that Italian lady made them on ther show (Giada something-something). When I went to Kourtney's house after work on Sunday the ingredients had already been bought, and they were waiting for me to work my baking magic (I can use a mixer like WHOA.) And who doesn't love late night baking?  They were quite delicious, and I highly reccomend that you make them (and if you don't nutella, well.... I'm not sure if we can be friends. Sad day).  You can find the recipe online on the food network site, or you can go to allrecipes.com and check out all the creative and delicious ways people use nutella (OMG SOOOOO GOOOOOOD!)

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