Thursday, February 16, 2012

February Blues

I've gone on a little hiatus for the last couple of weeks.  I've been going through some stuff, and although I won't go into too much detail, here's the down-low:

My grandfather passed away on the 26th of last month.  He had been sick for awhile, and the doctors pretty much told us that he didn't have a whole lot of time left because he was so sick.  I don't know how I feel about it.  On the one hand, he had been in the hospital for almost two months, which is a long time, especially when he was on a ventilator for most of that time.  We didn't have a whole lot of hope that he would get better, so it was pretty much a waiting game, watching him die.  On the other hand, what's two months?  That's a grain of sand in the grand scheme of things.  I mean, I had just seen him at Thanksgiving, up and running (sick, certainly, but walking around and stuff) and then the next thing I know he's in the hospital, and he's dying, and then he's gone.  It felt like it happened so fast, and yet it felt like it went on forever. I'm not sure if that makes sense.  Anyway, we're all a mess, in our own ways.  I can't speak for the rest of my family, but I feel like I go around mostly okay, and then I think of him, or something reminds me of him, and I feel like crying.  Or not even that; I might just be doing homework or making hot pockets or listening to a lecture, and I'll feel those tears creeping up behind my eyes and I'll think, "What's going on? Why do I suddenly need to cry?  We're discussing research variables, for heaven's sake!"

My grandfather loved me very much, and I loved him back; he is the only grandfather I've ever had. And now he's gone.  It's very hard to think of him not being at my college graduation, or Thanksgiving or Christmas.  I took his presence for granted; many of my friends had grandparents die when they were really little, so they don't really remember a whole lot about them, or what they did together.  But I'm the oldest grandkid; after Me and my brother Jelani the next oldest kid is 11, and the last three are all under 7 years old. I had my grandfather for 21 years of my life, and now he's gone.  It just feels weird. And sad.

I was thinking of doing a blog post dedicated to him, but I don't know what else to say.  He was an amazing grandfather, and he will always be missed.  His picture is on our altar, and every time I pass by it I will think of him.  Thank you for all of the love and support you've given me, Grandpa.  I love you.

Me and Grandpa

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