|The Role Models Of Teen America... NO.|
|Hey Girl. I love you and stuff.|
First off, Justin Bieber's new album. Now, I've been a shameless Bieber fan for awhile-- I dunno if it was the girly-boy bangs or the naive-yet-strangely-enticing lyrics, but that kid made made me dance like a wannabe and serenade my honey like the teen heartthrob I was meant to be... And although I balance on the fence between adoring and mocking, I'll always keep a little space on my iPod for the Biebs. But when I actually listened to his new album, I was taken by surprise (in hindsight, I knew I shouldn't have been). His first albums were all about ooey-gooey, lovey-dovey puppy love-- the kind that makes you think "Aww.... he has no idea what a real relationship means, how sad and cute..." And to be fair, there are still songs on the album that are like that. But as I listened to his new beats, I noticed something that was a little... different.... I suddenly felt like I wasn't just being serenaded, I was being led to the bedroom. And then I thought:
... Is the Biebs trying to have sex with me through his music?
I'm just sayin', his lyrics got a lot more sexy (and weird). "Chillin' by the fire while we eatin' fondue"? Um, how old are you?! Is fondue code for something sexy, or is this real fondue? And who eats fondue by a fire (or at all... unless it's chocolate)? And the way he uses slow beats and what I call "oopties", which is when you have some sound that goes from a low pitch to a high pitch in a kind of slur, over and over again throughout a song to make it "sexy"-- it's the kind of sound that says "we should probably be humping right now". It's that uncomfortable addition to a song that you hear on the radio in the car with your grandparents, the kind of sound you hear in clubs with men and women who do less dancing and more simulated copulation.
|Whoa, back up off me, bro!|
And I hear it over and over again in his songs! Suddenly he's gone from teen heartthrob to club hit, and that's weird. It's like he's trying to undress me with is sexy beats! I'm a married woman, Bieber (pretty much)! What are you, twelve? You don't need to be all sexed up, with your chopped-bangs and club songs! I miss the lady-bangs!