Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Where's my pumpkin spice latte?

It's been awhile since I've posted. In fact, summer has breezed by and has led us into a beautiful autumn. And if you've been reading my blog or know me at all, you know that Autumn means October, which is my favorite month of the year. According to the internet, only white girls seem to love fall-- well, they're gonna have to make room for me because my mind is like OMG FALL LEAVES AND PUMPKIN EVERYTHING AND SPICED APPLE CIDER GET IN MY BELLY!!!!

Autumn is kind of my thing.


As we transition into a new season, I've realized how different parts of my life seem to be moving at different speeds. On one hand, I'm getting married! That part of my life, my life with Kourtney, is chugging along at a brisk pace. On the other hand, I haven't yet converted to Judaism. It's not that I don't want to convert (I still have every intention of doing so) I have just decided to give myself more time. When I first looked into converting, all I wanted to do was convert as soon as possible, to be a real Jew. But now I'm giving myself time. There is so much to love about Judaism, but there are also questions I would like answered, like where I belong in the community. I mean, as a woman, as a person of color, and as an LGBTQ member of the community. And then there are my divinity questions, like what is God? And of course my fears about not measuring up as a Jew, like what if I can't keep kosher? And then there are the cultural conflicts, both with my my family and within myself. I've spent most of my life singing christian music and though I don't "keep the faith" as it were I have a deep appreciation for it. How do I reconcile that with my budding Jewish identity? And when Kourtney and I have kids, how will we celebrate Jewishness and.... secularity? Because if God thinks that Kourtney's gonna give up secular Christmas then he/she/they are in for a big disappointment. And who am I to tell her not to celebrate something that is important to her? How do I navigate that?

Can this exist in my world?

Also, Christmas music? That stuff makes my heart pitter pat with happiness. Will I be the only Jew with a Christmas song playlist on their iPod? Is that even allowed?

Anyway, all of this was to say that Judaism is still a really important to me, and I have a lot to navigate. So I've been slowing down to really think about everything and give myself time-- to adjust, to reexamine, and to create my place.

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